Friday, February 25, 2011

Recreational Vehicle

Red Writing Hood

We want you to imagine you've just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child - you get the picture. You're mad. It's time for revenge.  What would you sell?  Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig's List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.  Then come back and link up with us here Friday.  One last thing: Word limit is 600.

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" That's it!  I've had it!  Damn you!  I am sick and tired of your crap!  You son of a gun...everything is always about you!  It's what you want to do.  It's what you want to eat.  You want to think only about you, well then get your stuff and get out!"

And so it was.  He had gathered a few things, as I followed him around the house.  Then he left.  It really was easier than I thought it would be!  

  Now...yes now...I had to deal with all it.  The memories, the tears and his STUFF!   What in the world would I do with it?  Then suddenly it hit me.  I'll sell it!  I'll sell it all and make a few bucks, as he would say.  Might as well.

I began collecting what I thought would be the most salable items.  I unlocked the safes out in the garage and began recording all the information about the guns and rifles.  I thought about the ATV but then decided that I could use that.  So that thought exited my mind as fast as it had entered.  As I began taking inventory of all the tools in the garage, I knew I'd struck it rich!  Then, deciding to take a brake, I ventured outside and sat on the stoop of the shed thinking...just thinking. 

Then it hit me.  That monster of a lawn mower that he always got stuck in the creek would be the first thing to go!  I remember the time we had a few drinks in the middle of the day.  It was a Friday and I had met some of my friends at El Dorado.  I had my first Martguerita with them and it was delicious!  When I came home and told him, he couldn't wait to go make a pitcher for us.  We drank them in the hot summer sun and then, for some stupid reason, he decided to mow the three plus acres surrounding the house.  He jumped on that damn mower of his, like Roy Rogers jumped on Trigger, and away he rode...off into the setting sun.

Until I heard him calling for help.  There he was bracing that damn thing trying to prevent it from tipping over completely.  "Go get the ATV," he shouted angrily.  "And the chain.  It's in the back of my truck."
As he managed to upright the 61" mower, he said, "Hon, you sit on it and steer it while I pull it towards the house.  Two of the tires are flat and I'll have to put air in them."  I mounted the mower.  

He had attached the chain to the mower and then, of course, to the back of ATV.  Slowly he started down the steep hill.  I said, "what do I do if it passes you out?"  He gave me that look and assured me that that wouldn't happen.  Rounding the back of the barn, we had made it to the wider stretch in the yard where there were no obstacles.  I never realized how hard the mower would be to steer rolling along on rims, but it was!

Realizing that the mower was gaining momentum, I held on for dear life as my feet tried to maneuver the small "walk behind" dolly.  Before I knew it, the "walk behind" became a "run along."  My arms were tiring quickly from the span of the broad steering mechanism.  The next thing I knew I was passing him out!  As I went by, I shouted, "how do I stop it?"  He said very simply, in that arrogant tone he so frequently used "hit the brake."  

So, where's the brake you ask.  He never told me.  And I never found it.  Instead, I found the corner of the deck and the side of the house!  It was no big deal to him.  He mumbled something about patching and applying a little something or other...to the house, that is.  Oh, me?  All I got were a few scrapes and superficial bruises.  And him?  He got a big laugh.  He laughed for days about the whole incident!

Well mister...look who's laughing now?
The ad on eBay went like this:
                                                                                                                                      
Ride Off Into The Sunset On Your
61" Walk Behind Great Dane Commercial Grade Mower w/Riding/Running Dolly
Smooth ride with or without tires.  Wheel hubs slightly scratched.  Creek bed use.  Cruising speed equal to ATV.  Doubles as a recreational vehicle.  Call 306-235-2101.
                                                                                                                                        

And now for the hunting stuff.

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16 comments:

Nancy@A Rural Journal said...

Oh my, JP! This is so funny! But I'd sure hate to make you mad at me. ;)

texwisgirl said...

Why does this story sound a bit like something out of real life? I sure hope it wasn't... And if it was, I hope you got a good price!

Dar said...

That's hilarious! You should market yourself as an 'ad editor'...there must be a real use for the humorous side of salable items. I'm still laughing and craving a margarita. Love this.
BlessYourHearts

gld said...

JP, you have a vivid imagination or............

Great get even story and it sounded so real.

We have a little humorous thing going with my big riding mower.......DH says he always keeps the tow rope handy in the ATV because when he sees me walking up the drive, he knows I am stuck yet again.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Somebody's in trouble.... ;-)

amygrew said...

Love it!!! The best part would be, to sell it for $1 then mail him the profit :)

Pamela Gold said...

I laughed with/at you and cringed right along with you too. Fabulous!

Sandra said...

this is hilarious and very good, are you sure this is not TRUE

Nancy C said...

What is it with riding mowers and drinking? My neighbor passed out while mowing his lawn. True story.

I live in a special place.

Mandyland said...

Awesome! lol

Cheryl said...

Doubles as a recreational vehicle indeed!!

Valerie said...

Patching up the house?
Good riddance to the mower--and him! :)

Thanks for a great read!!

Karen Peterson said...

Very clever! I really liked the story around the ad.

Stephanie said...

Are you my neighbor?

Jenna said...

i agree with karen, i loved the story!!! hadnt seen this take on the prompt yet, with the story and a small ad. I might try that... I didnt link up this time, just have my memoir post linked. Great job!

CDG said...

And now we come to why my Hubs will never own a ride on lawnmower.

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